So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
