Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
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