I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
