Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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