mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
