At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
