sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She just used a chaser for red wine.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
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