Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
