Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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