I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
