she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
There's always time for handjobs
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
