I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
