Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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