that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
