What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
