My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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