i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
