On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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