I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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