Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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