Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
