dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
