So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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