I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
All the doctor said was why
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
