She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
