As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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