I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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