I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
