My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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