and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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