omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
