the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I wear drunk well.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
