i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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