as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
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I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
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Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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