He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
