I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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