What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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