I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
