I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
