Just fell off a train. Bad.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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