I met the friendliest cop last night
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
