shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
