Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
