I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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