Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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