Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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