How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Randomize
