why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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