At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
