i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
