wrigley field is MILF paradise
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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