it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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