So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So squirting runs in the family.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
