dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
