Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.