Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
