I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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