I'm gonna have a badass scar
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
