he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
