I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
