I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
